


This isn't goodbye

by tearinmyeye



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 16:06:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13438344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearinmyeye/pseuds/tearinmyeye
Summary: In the living room, Adam was standing where Sauli had been standing a few seconds ago, the window ledge still warm from where his hands had been. Adam looked out of the window, at the lights of the city he had lived in for the past ten years. For the first time in all those years, he didn’t feel like he was home.Or, me being five years late writing about their break up.





	This isn't goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Guess I'll never get over it. ;____;

“I’m so sorry it had to end like this.” 

Adam’s voice sounded far away, like he was standing on the other side of the door and not two feet away from him. Sauli was staring out of the living room windows, at the bright lights of the never sleeping Los Angeles. Usually he loved this view, but right now he hated it.

 

“I’m sorry too.” He said, his voice sounding just as small as he felt. Sauli noticed he was currently squeezing the window ledge so hard his knuckles had turned white and his hands had began to shake. He let go, but kept his hands were they were. He’d probably fall down without the support. 

Adam had fallen quiet now. Sauli knew he was looking at him, waiting for him to say something else. He could feel his eyes burning holes into the back of his shirt. Sauli opened his mouth, only to close it again. There was a billion things he wanted to say, but none of them were things he should be saying right now. He stayed quiet.

Adam seemed to realize he’d have to be the one to do the talking, so he went on. “This isn’t goodbye, you know.” Sauli saw from the reflection that Adam took one hesitant step towards him, but he seemed to change his mind midway there, keeping his distance instead. 

“We’ll still see each other, we’ll stay friends, this isn’t…” Adam stopped there for a second. He sounded like he always did when he was really hurt. Sauli shut his eyes, silently hoping it could be possible to close your ears in the same way. He felt the familiar burn behind his closed eyelids, and he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. 

“This doesn’t have to be the end.” 

A single tear forced its way out of Sauli’s eye, but he quickly wiped it away.

Two beats of silence. Sauli could literally hear Adam breathing. 

“Unless-”, Adam cleared his throat, “Unless you want it to be, that is.”

What? Dear God, no. No, no, _no, no, I love you, you idiot._

“No.” Sauli managed to say. “No, I, I want you.”

He swallowed the words he desperately wanted to say and replaced them with words he needed to say instead. 

“In my life, I mean.”

Adam just nodded and smiled. Even through the glass Sauli could see that it never reached his eyes.

Sauli wondered if he should say something else. Something like, _"It's for the best."_   Or maybe _"Nothing lasts forever."_

It's not like he had thought he and Adam would be forever, anyway.  _Expect that he had._

Sauli suddenly realized he couldn’t do this, he wouldn't break down in front of Adam, not right now. This was hard enough without him making it even harder.  He needed to be alone.

“I’m going to take a shower”, he mumbled when he walked past his boyfriend. The word ' _ex-boyfriend'_ echoed in his head at a deafening volume. Adam answered something in return but Sauli couldn’t hear him. He didn’t want to hear him. Or look at him. He knew that from now on every time he would, it was just going to remind him of the fact that Adam wasn't his anymore.

Sauli opened the bathroom door, closed it, let himself fall back against it and slide down, the tears already falling before he had even hit the ground. He buried his face in his hands and let himself wonder, _where the fuck did they exactly go wrong?_

In the living room, Adam was standing where Sauli had been standing a few minutes ago, the window ledge still warm from where his hands had been, the window steamed up from where his breaths had been hitting. Adam looked at the lights of the city he had lived in for the past ten years. For the first time in all those years, he didn’t feel like he was home.


End file.
